Why it’s okay not to be okay: Embracing vulnerability

Have you ever told someone you were fine when you weren’t? Many of us have been taught that strength means holding it all together, that asking for help is a weakness, and that our emotions should always be kept in check.

If you’re like many people, you probably have an internalised expectation to be self-reliant and to have everything figured out. Strong and independent. In relationships, at work, and on social media. At all times. 

But the truth? We can’t be strong all the time. It’s just not humanly possible. Another truth is that it’s okay to not be okay, and accepting this reality can be the first step toward having a deeper, stronger connection with yourself and the people you care about. 

Admitting that you’re not okay takes a willingness to be vulnerable. In this guide, we’ll talk about the power of vulnerability, practical ways to embrace it, and how emotional openness can transform your life and relationships.

Understanding vulnerability

Emotional vulnerability is the willingness to be open about your feelings, fears, and uncertainties, even when there’s a risk of rejection or misunderstanding. It means allowing yourself to be seen as you truly are—not just the strong, put-together version of yourself, but also the one who struggles, doubts, and feels deeply.

“

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

– Brené Brown

”

Being vulnerable is not the same as oversharing or wearing your heart on your sleeve to everybody. It’s not about exposing every emotion you feel, nor is it about seeking validation.

True vulnerability is about sharing your authentic self with the right people at the right moments.

Vulnerability looks different in different situations. Here are examples of vulnerability in different types of relationships:

When we choose to be emotionally open in the right situations, we strengthen trust, deepen relationships, and permit others to also share their true self.

Why it's hard to be vulnerable

Being emotionally vulnerable can feel risky, even unnatural. When we've been hurt, whether by rejection, criticism, or past trauma, it’s common to build emotional walls as a way to protect ourselves. We shut down, avoid sharing our struggles, and resist emotional closeness, often without realising it.

This emotional armour protected us at some point, and it’s worth acknowledging that. It may have helped us survive difficult childhoods, toxic workplaces, or painful relationships.

But over time, the same walls that kept us safe can also keep us isolated. There comes a time when those walls need to come down—when we need to open up, trust, and allow ourselves to feel again.

“

Vulnerability sounds like the truth and feels like courage.

– Brené Brown

”

Fear of judgment and rejection

Many people resist vulnerability out of fear. Fears of judgment, rejection, or being seen as “too much” can make it incredibly difficult to express emotions, especially in environments where competence and self-sufficiency are highly valued (such as workplaces, leadership roles, or even within families).

These fears often start in childhood when children who are naturally open with their emotions begin to realise that some people aren’t always on their side or don’t create safe spaces for expression. Bullying and emotional neglect can also teach them to suppress what they feel. 

As a result, many people learn to close themselves off, believing that hiding their feelings will keep them safe.

Cultural and familial norms

Society, culture, and family dynamics all shape how we process and express emotions. Many cultures still consider mental health discussions taboo, and some families intentionally avoid any expression of difficult or strong emotions.

You’ve probably heard the phrases “Don’t be so sensitive” or “Crying won’t solve anything.” These words may seem harmless, but they send the message that vulnerability is undesirable. 

This expectation to suppress emotions impacts men disproportionately, as traditional masculinity often equates emotional restraint with strength. Many boys grow up believing that expressing feelings makes them less "manly," leading to lifelong struggles with emotional openness.

Lack of education on emotions

Many people were never taught how to identify, process, or communicate emotions. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise and name feelings—is a skill that most of us don’t learn in school. So, we default to emotional suppression, avoidance, or outbursts. 

But here’s the good news: No matter how emotionally shut down you may feel, emotional awareness can be strengthened at any age and stage of life. Therapy, journaling, and mindfulness practices can help retrain the brain, so you can process and express emotions in healthier ways.

The Atlas of Emotions, developed by Dr. Paul Ekman, is also a powerful tool that can help people identify and understand emotions more clearly.

Perfectionism and people-pleasing

The fear of vulnerability often goes hand in hand with perfectionism. Many people feel immense pressure to appear successful, confident, and emotionally composed. To rub salt in the wound, social media can make it seem like other people’s lives are always better or more fun than ours. 

People-pleasing is another major factor. Some people avoid vulnerability not because they fear judgment, but because they hate to be a burden or cause discomfort to others. They may downplay their struggles, avoid expressing personal needs, or put others' emotions above their own.

When perfectionism and people-pleasing take over, vulnerability can feel like a risk to the self-image you’ve worked hard to create. Learning to embrace your flaws and the reality that you cannot be everyone’s cup of tea (just as not everyone is yours) is an essential foundation for embracing vulnerability.

What science says about vulnerability

Research highlights that vulnerability is a powerful aspect of mental health, connection, and growth. Here’s a breakdown of the science behind its benefits:

The importance of normalising mental health conversations

Too many people suffer alone because they fear judgment. The statistics paint a clear picture of the need to normalise discussing mental health.

• 1 in 5 Australians aged 16 to 85 has experienced a mental health disorder (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare)

• 54% of people with mental illness do not seek professional help, often due to stigma or fear of judgment (Black Dog Institute)

Breaking the silence

Mental health struggles often worsen when they’re kept in the shadows. Just as we discuss physical health issues like colds or broken bones, we must treat mental health with the same openness and urgency.

Therapy sessions are one place where people can safely explore and practice vulnerability. Over time, this openness can extend beyond therapy and into friendships, families, workplaces, and communities.

If you’re a parent, teacher, manager, or leader, you have the power to set the tone. Encouraging honest conversations about mental health, whether at home, in schools, or in workplaces, helps break the stigma and ensures that no one feels alone in their struggles. The more we talk about it, the easier it becomes for others to do the same.

Changing the narrative

For decades, mental health has been surrounded by harmful myths, like the idea that only "weak" people struggle emotionally or that therapy is only for "serious" cases. 

Challenging these misconceptions involves reshaping the narrative around mental health. For instance, highlighting stories of public figures, like Australian Olympian Ian Thorpe, who have openly discussed their struggles, can help normalise these experiences.

When individuals see others, especially role models, admit to needing help, it creates a ripple effect of acceptance and openness.

The ripple effect of mental health conversations

Normalising mental health conversations doesn’t just benefit those who are currently struggling but also impacts entire communities.

• Open dialogue encourages preventative care: People may seek help before their mental health worsens.

• It fosters supportive communities: Friends, families, and workplaces become better equipped to provide help.

• It reduces stigma for future generations: Younger people grow up in an environment where seeking help is seen as a sign of strength.

The role of education and advocacy

Education and advocacy play a crucial role in normalising mental health conversations and embracing vulnerability.

Building emotional literacy in early education

Teaching emotional literacy early in life lays the foundation for healthier relationships and mental wellbeing. When children gain emotional intelligence and learn to express their feelings, they grow into adults who can communicate their needs, set boundaries, and build meaningful connections.

A great example is Pixar’s Inside Out, which introduces kids (and adults) to the idea that all emotions, including the unpleasant ones, have value. The film ultimately reveals (spoiler alert!) that vulnerability, not suppression, is the key to healing and connection.

Schools that implement Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) programs have seen significant benefits. Research from CASEL (Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning) reveals that students in SEL programs experienced:

• improved academic performance by 11 percentile points

• decreased emotional distress

• improved sense of safety and support

Advocacy in communities and workplaces

Advocacy extends beyond classrooms. Creating environments that promote open dialogue about mental health is essential in workplaces, communities, and even social media. For example:

• Mental health awareness days

  • Events like R U OK? Day in Australia encourages meaningful conversations about mental health, helping individuals check in on each other. According to Ann-Maree Fardell Hartley, Registered Psychologist and Suicidologist, 80% of people who have recently spoken to someone about something that’s troubling them feel more supported and cared about.

• Workplace mental health initiatives

  • Workplaces with mental health initiatives report higher productivity and lower absenteeism rates. What’s more, a study showed that for every $1 invested in workplace mental health programs, businesses see an average return of up to $4 in improved employee performance.

Public campaigns that destigmatise mental health

National campaigns are a powerful tool for breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health. Advocacy groups like Beyond Blue and Headspace have launched campaigns to:

• Raise awareness about the prevalence of mental health conditions

• Encourage individuals to seek help early

• Share real-life stories to normalise vulnerability

Practical tips for embracing vulnerability

1. Learn to name your emotions

Naming your emotions is a critical first step in addressing them. When you’re able to identify and articulate how you feel, it brings clarity to your inner world and helps you take control of your responses.

It’s common for people to use vague or surface-level phrases like I’m fine or I’m okay to mask more complex emotions, but this can prevent meaningful self-reflection.

Below is a table of common emotions and how they might manifest. If you want to dig deeper, the Atlas of Emotions can be a great help to understanding how you feel and why you might be feeling that way.

By identifying your emotions, you can take intentional steps toward addressing them rather than letting them control you.

2. Start small

Sharing your emotions doesn’t have to happen all at once. Vulnerability is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take small steps. Start by confiding in someone you trust, like a close friend, a family member, or a trained and experienced therapist.

Opening up can feel intimidating at first, but with practice, it becomes more comfortable. Small steps build the foundation for deeper emotional connections over time.

3. Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a valuable tool for embracing vulnerability. By staying present and observing your emotions without judgment, you can better understand your feelings and reactions. 

Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation can help you create space between yourself and overwhelming emotions. Try this simple mindfulness exercise:

• Find a quiet space to sit comfortably.

• Take a deep breath in for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale for six counts.

• Focus on the sensation of your breath as it moves in and out of your body.

• If your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breathing.

Apps like Smiling Mind or Calm can guide you through these practices and help you build emotional awareness and resilience.

4. Reframe negative thoughts about vulnerability

Challenging these negative thoughts is essential to reframing your mindset. Consider replacing unhealthy thoughts with affirmations:

5. Celebrate progress

Every step you take toward vulnerability is a win. Whether it’s sharing a small worry with a friend or seeking professional support, these moments are worth celebrating. 

Growth isn’t always obvious in the moment, but when you look back, you’ll see how far you’ve come. Consider keeping a journal to track your journey—write about the times you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, how it felt, and what happened afterward. Over time, you’ll start to notice patterns of strength, resilience, and deeper connections with the people around you.

Vulnerability takes courage, and the fact that you’re even trying means you’re already making progress.

How to support someone who’s not okay

If someone confides in you about their struggles, your response can make a significant impact. Here’s a table summarising practical ways to support someone who’s struggling with their mental health:

Everyone deserves a safe space to be heard, understood, and supported. At Talked, our qualified and compassionate professionals can walk alongside you through life’s challenges, one step at a time.

Say this with us: It’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay not to be okay.