How to overcome social anxiety for good

We all get nervous and shy from time to time. But when these feelings become overwhelming and get in the way of daily or important interactions, you might be dealing with social anxiety. 

Social anxiety, left unchecked, can hold you back from the life you want. Thankfully, anxiety is manageable and treatable, and this guide might just be your first step to saying goodbye to crippling anxiety.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is an intense fear of social situations, often driven by worries of being judged, misunderstood, embarrassed, laughed at, or rejected. 

These worries make simple situations feel overwhelming. You might feel dread at the thought of making small talk, your throat tightens when you try to speak up, or you constantly fear how others judge your movements, mannerisms, or how you carry yourself.

A person’s anxiety can be so bad that they steer clear of all social events. If there’s an event they can't avoid, they might go to great lengths to make sure they’ll have a “buddy” who can help them feel at ease. This can be helpful in the short term, but not a long-term solution if the goal is full recovery or independence.

What are some signs of social anxiety?

Social anxiety symptoms can vary from person to person, and they may show up differently depending on the situation. Below are some of the usual signs.

Physical symptoms

• Rapid heartbeat

• Sweating or trembling

• Blushing or feeling flushed

• Shortness of breath

• Nausea or dizziness

Emotional symptoms

• Intense worry about upcoming social events

• Feeling extremely self-conscious in group settings

• Catastrophising interactions before they happen

• Overanalysing interactions long after they happen

• Panic or anxiety attacks

Behavioural symptoms

• Avoiding social events or making up excuses to leave early

• Avoiding phone calls, overthinking chat messages  or emails

• Difficulty making eye contact

• Difficulty initiating and holding conversation

• Relying on alcohol or substances to feel at ease around people

People with crippling anxiety have a hard time fully engaging in the present. They constantly worry about how they come across, overthink every word, and overanalyse other people’s reactions or lack of reaction. Their minds get so consumed by fear that they often remember very little about the social events they went to, except for the details they obsessed over.

“

When you have social anxiety disorder, you don't see the big picture. Your attention becomes really narrow and distorted.

- Dr. Ali Mattu, Clinical Psychologist

”

What causes social anxiety?

Negative life experiences, especially in childhood, may cause a person to develop social anxiety. However, there’s really no single cause for this mental health condition.

Some factors that can make a person vulnerable to social anxiety are:

• Genetics: If you have a family history of anxiety disorders, you may be more prone to developing the same conditions.

• Early life experiences: Bullying, overprotective parenting, or past embarrassing experiences can shape how you handle (or struggle to handle) social situations.

• Brain chemistry: The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fear, is often overactive in people with social anxiety.

• Comorbidity: Social anxiety disorder often occurs alongside other mental health conditions like depression or generalised anxiety disorder.

• Undiagnosed or late-diagnosed neurodivergence: In some people, conditions like autism or ADHD can make social interactions feel confusing or overwhelming. Although neurodivergence isn’t always associated with social anxiety, an undiagnosed person may struggle to understand their challenges, which can reinforce feelings of self-doubt and anxiety (and consequently a continued exposure to negative social experiences).

Social anxiety is fairly common. Beyond Blue reported that about 11% of Australians experience social anxiety at some point in their lives. Thankfully, with the right mental health support, anxiety is highly manageable and treatable.

Do I have social anxiety disorder?

A qualified mental health professional can assess and confirm if you have a disorder. 

Social anxiety disorder or SAD, previously known as social phobia, is one of the most common mental health conditions, affecting about 8.4% of Australians at some stage in their life.

Here are some of the ways SAD differs from occasional social anxiety:

Note that social anxiety disorder is different from being antisocial. Many people with social anxiety (regardless of severity) deeply crave meaningful connections, but their fear of judgment makes it difficult to initiate and nourish relationships. Some people also get so frustrated that they eventually stop trying.

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Many people with social anxiety deeply crave meaningful connections, but their fear of judgment makes it difficult to initiate and nourish relationships. - Fabian Fiderer, AHPRA Registered Psychologist

”

Social anxiety in kids & teens

Social anxiety in kids and teens can look like: 

• Crying, clinging, or throwing tantrums in unfamiliar social settings

• Fear of being called on in class

• Avoiding school events

• Struggling to make friends

• Frequent stomach aches before social events

Social anxiety in adults

Social anxiety can be difficult to spot in adults. While some people show obvious signs (like trembling or choking when speaking in public), others learn to mask their anxiety temporarily for the sake of their studies, job, or business.

We’ve been taught to do hard things and “fake it till we make it” (and these things can be healthy at times!), but it’s also important to acknowledge our struggles so we can process and break through them. 

Social anxiety in adults often look like:

• Discomfort with small talk and casual conversations

• Fear of public speaking, even in small groups

• Avoiding phone calls, speaking up in meetings, or ordering food

• Difficulty dating or making new friends

• Relying on alcohol or drugs to feel more comfortable in social settings

• Overthinking social situations before they happen

• Assuming others are judging or criticising you, even without evidence

How to overcome social anxiety for good

Dealing with social anxiety takes a lot of inner work, but the outcomes are so worth the effort. Here are some therapist-approved ways to overcome social anxiety:

1. Pay more attention to your physical health

Your mind and emotions have a lot do with your physical health. We’ve learned in school the importance of healthy foods, hydration, exercise, hygiene, sleep, and getting some sunlight, but many of us somehow neglected the basics as we grew older.

When your body feels good, your mind becomes clearer and your emotions better regulated. 

Try to validate this yourself: For a few days, track what you eat, how much water you drink, what physical activities you do, and how many hours of sleep you get. Then, rate your anxiety levels each day. The results will delight you.

2. Add grounding techniques to your routines

Relaxation and grounding techniques aren’t just methods to deal with anxiety—they’re great preventive measures, too.

Breathwork and meditation can help you bring yourself fully to the present. Plus, you’d actually get more oxygen into your lungs instead of the short, hurried breaths that anxiety does to your breathing pattern.

If having a to-do list works for you, add breathwork and meditation into your list until they become your natural self-soothing reaction to any sign of anxiety or stress. This practice can teach you emotional regulation.

Also, as you pay more attention to your breath, you’ll learn to notice when your breath suddenly changes, signalling that something (or someone) triggered an emotional response in you. This can help you understand your triggers and manage how you respond to them.

3. Challenge thoughts that fuel your fear

Unhealthy thoughts drive social anxiety. You have to catch these thoughts when they come up, question their truth, and then reframe. 

When a fear-based thought arises, ask yourself: Is this really true? What proof do I have? 

More often than not, you’ll realise these thoughts are based on assumptions rather than fact, and this can help you rewrite the mental narratives that trigger or intensify your social anxiety.

Here are some examples of fear-driven thoughts and how to reframe them:

4. Practice gradual desensitisation

You can’t cure social anxiety by avoiding social situations, but you also don’t have to overdo it. With gradual desensitisation, you can ease into social interactions at a pace that feels comfortable yet challenging enough to build your confidence.

Outline and start with small, intentional steps that feel manageable. For example, you might begin with a simple “good morning” to your Uber driver and gradually work up to a more challenging scenario, like attending a friend’s housewarming party.

Here are a few other small practices you can try:

• Make brief eye contact and smile at a neighbor

• Exchange a few words with a cashier or barista

• Ask a colleague a casual question at work

• Comment on something simple in a group conversation

• Share the highlights of your week with a therapist

Speaking with a therapist can be a great way to practice both casual and in-depth conversations in a safe space. They can also help you stay accountable as you slowly expose yourself to social situations outside therapy.

5. Explore social circles you might enjoy

Finding circles you’re genuinely interested in makes a world of difference when building your social skills and learning to manage social anxiety. When you connect with people over shared interests, conversations flow more easily, the pressure to perform decreases, and you will naturally appear with and build more confidence easily.

Consider joining:

• Hobby-based groups (e.g., book clubs, art classes, gaming communities)

• Sports teams or fitness groups (e.g., yoga, running teams)

• Volunteering opportunities (e.g., animal shelters, environmental groups)

• Online communities related to your passions or crafts you find interesting

6. Practice focusing on others

Anxious people often tend to be self-hyperfocused. When someone is talking with you, truly pay attention to what they’re saying and how they might be feeling. Show interest and ask follow-up questions. The more you practice this, the less self-conscious you will be and the more connected you’ll feel with other people.

7. Ask for social feedback

We tend to be our own worst critics in social situations, often assuming we’ve said or done something wrong when others hardly notice. Asking for social feedback from trusted people (and who support your growth) can help challenge these distorted thoughts and give you a more balanced perspective.

Social feedback can:

• provide a more accurate perspective on how you come across to others

• highlight strengths in your communication that you might not notice

• offer constructive feedback to help you improve

• reassure you that small mistakes aren’t as noticeable or important as they may feel

• provide opportunities for improving skills further

8. Work with a therapist

Social anxiety is treatable, but working with the right therapist is a key part of healing. "Right" does not just mean qualified or registered, but that your therapist must also be someone you feel comfortable and connected with. 

A therapist might use methods like CBT to help you with social anxiety. They might also recommend considering medications (e.g., SSRIs or beta-blockers) if they see that your condition requires them.

Overcome social anxiety one step at a time

Social anxiety disorder can feel overwhelming, but with time, patience, and the right support, you can learn how to overcome social anxiety, regain your confidence, and be better able to lead the life that you want.

Professional support can make a huge difference. At Talked, we connect you with compassionate therapists who specialise in anxiety management and treatment.